DEARMAN is a technique from DBT that can help us to assertively ask for what we need or state our boundaries

DESCRIBE – describe the situation as objective facts e.g. “ I didn’t get a call from you yesterday, can we talk about it?”

EXPRESS – state how it makes you feel. Use “I” statements e.g. “I feel sad when you don’t call” instead of “You make me feel sad”

ASSERT – clearly and calmly state your wants. “I would like to speak to you”

REINFORCE – point out the benefits of them doing what you are asking

MINDFULNESS – stay calm, be aware of yours and the other persons tone etc. Keep your goal in mind and don’t get distracted

APPEAR CONFIDENT – channel your favourite superhero to help you feel confident in expressing your needs

NEGOTIATE – plan in advance what you are willing to negotiate on so you don’t get caught off guard “If you do the hoovering I am happy to do the dishes”

Example

I have noticed that you haven’t done your chore of the hoovering (Describe)

I would really appreciate it if you could hoover (Express)

Because I would like to do some stretches and I don’t want to do that on a dirty floor (assert)

So it would make me happy if you could hoover (reinforce)

If you hoover I’ll do the dishes! (negotiate)